


Meet the De Rolos

by steelneena



Series: CR1 Oneshots and Short Series [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, M/M, Mostly humor, Oneshot Series, just funny family times, lets be real, no magic, not really drama, outsider pov, they're honestly like the fucking addams family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2019-12-25 19:14:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18267671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelneena/pseuds/steelneena
Summary: The De Rolo family. They're crazy. They're kooky. They're not quite spooky, but they are definitely a strange bunch.





	1. The Store Clerk

**Author's Note:**

> All Outsider POV oneshots of the modern De Rolos in a magicless, but still post Vecna world.
> 
> The De Rolo Family: 
> 
> Vex'ahlia de Rolo and Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III
> 
> The First Twins:  
> Madeleine Whitney Julia Shauna de Rolo aka Maddy (17)  
> Percival Julius Casper Kashaw de Rolo IV aka Perce (17)
> 
> Vax'ildan Oliver Johannes Frederickstein de Rolo II aka Freddie (13)
> 
> The Second Twins:  
> Vesper Cassandra Vex'ahlia Keyleth de Rolo aka Cassie (4)  
> Gregory Scanlan Taryon Philip de Rolo aka Greg or Gregger (4)
> 
> Olivia Pike Louise Zahra Johanna de Rolo aka Livvy (1)

“It’s a healthy fear!”

Marco perked up at ear at the posh accent, turning his head to see who it was had just walked into his section of Goodsale Electronics. The duo was not exactly what he’d anticipated. The first person he noticed _wasn’t_ the one who had spoken. A giant of a man, bald with a great dark beard and rippling muscles covered over in tattoos that peeked out from beneath the short sleeves of a black button up was busy looking at a few of their home assistant models, the Reverb and the Andrea. By comparison, the man beside him was short - though he even seemed to be pressing six foot. Of a discerning look and impeccable dress (the suit was definitely tailor fitted), he had a shock of impressively stark, snowy hair and, almost comically, a tiny baby strapped to his chest.

Quite the trio.

Casually, Marco lent an ear to the conversation; it was one of the only things that was genuinely enjoyable about the job, listening for the few interesting back and forths between customers. Most of them were inane, but every once in a while he’d hit upon something truly amusing. Judging by the gentlemen browsing down the aisle, it was sure to be an interesting one.

“It’s not.” The Big Man groused back. “ It’s dumb, Percy! Why’re you scared of a hunk of metal that talks? It’s just a computer.”

“It is a _learning_ computer with a human voice and if you were smart you’d be afraid of them too. Besides, if I brought one of these home you know that Gregory would end up trying to order things like peanut butter and lego kits and Freddie’s parrot would rack up a bill on berries alone! Not to mention it would be blaring princess songs for hours”

“Firstly, you _like_ those princess songs and you know it. You were just singing ‘em in the car on the way here. And next, You spend way too much time thinking about those videos Maddy showed you. She jus’ does it to get a rise and you know it. Besides, they did rack up a bill, s’not as though you couldn’t afford it.”

“Madeleine is a competent young lady and those videos were very informative.” Suit Dad said. “And she respects her father. I simply don’t trust things without natural sentience which _speak_.”

“Well,” the Big Man rubbed his head with one large hand. “I kinda like ‘em.”

“You would. Not to mention,” Suit Dad continued, “that they insist upon giving them all women’s voices like only women can be subservient. It’s positively outdated and vile.”

The Big Man snickered. It was quite an amusing sight. “You’re jus’ saying that because you’re a kept man.”

“Grog. We are in public _._ ”

“Yeah, and ‘m pretty sure that the little one there was conceived on the balcony at Russo’s while you and Vex were out to dinner on your last anniversary. “My maths aren’t real great, but Pikey’s are and she said-”

“ _Grog_ .” Suit Dad hissed, clutching the baby to his chest. “We are. In. _Public_.” Apparently mortified, Suit Dad’s cheeks positively glowing red, it was instantly obvious that the Big Man was telling the truth. It was a rare day that Marco actually felt bad about listening in on a conversation, but somehow he managed to skirt his way around the second hand embarrassment, ducking his head behind his computer monitor as he chuckled.

“And if Vex were ‘ere,” The Big Man teased, “you’d let her say it way louder than I am anyways. In fact, I’d bet you’d just about let her-”

Sensing the perfect opportunity, Marco stepped out from behind his desk. “Hello there sirs, my name is Marco, can I help you today?”

“Ah yeah!” said the Big Man at the same time Suit Dad said “Um, no, thank you.”

“Don’t listen to him.” The Big Man leaned over in a stage whisper. “I’d like to hear your spiel.

Suit Dad rolled his eyes. “You do whatever you’re going to do, Grog. Olivia and I are going to look for a new princess CD for Cassie.”

Biting his cheeks to keep a straight face, Marco pointed down a different aisle. “The CD’s are over that way, sir.”

“Thank you. I appreciate the assistance.” Suit Dad nodded his head deferentially and then turned, cradling his baby and muttering to her, just loud enough for them to hear. “Don’t worry Livvy. I won’t let the semi-sentient technology into our home. Nothing is going to get us, my little dear. We’ll be safe.”

The moment that Suit Dad rounded the corner and out of earshot, the Big Man spluttered around the meagre attempt to contain his laughter, slapping Marco hard on the shoulder. “He’s fuckin’ hilarious, right? He can’t even watch a flick with robots in it. And _this_ guy-” the Big Man jambs a thumb back over his shoulder toward where his friend walked off. “- is an engineer! He designs electronics for a living. It’s a riot!”

Marco did what all good customer service people do best. He smiled and nodded. “A riot. Can I interest you in one of the devices?” he asked genially, and the Big Man’s eyes lit up as he ambled towards one of the displays, Marco following him, shaking his head in amusement.

Boy was he going to have a story for his boyfriend when he got home later that night. After he sold the Big Man both a Reverb and an Andrea, of course.


	2. The Friend's Dad

They were running late. Derrek felt like they were always running late. He had Sandra and Killian to contend with every morning that week while Maria was away at her work conference and he’d been working from home to make it all happen. With Sandra in Preschool and Killian just headed into seventh, they were quite a handful, and one he was not so sure he was capable of dealing with for a whole week by himself. Maria was something of a superhero. 

Somehow they managed to get breakfast down, lunches fixed, bags packed and into the car with just enough time, and if Derrek sped a bit to compensate, it wasn’t the end of the world. The kids hugged him as he handed them off to their teachers, and went back home to take care of business until 3:20, when the kids would be ready for pick up. It was nice, especially because the district’s schools were on the same campus and let out at the same time.

Without difficulty he made it with time to spare. Almost ten minutes! He parked the car on the curb next to a fancy black SUV, the highest end Lincoln Navigator on the market, if Derrek wasn’t mistaken. Outside of it stood a taller man with snowy white hair. At first, he thought perhaps that it was a grandfather there to pick up his grandkids, until he turned to show a face not far in age from Derrek’s own, maybe just edging on forty. It was a little more than strange, to be sure, and Derrek couldn’t keep himself from staring.  

The man smiled at him genially from behind thin rectangular glasses, rimmed only along the bottom in gold. He looked well put together – he had to be to afford that vehicle, top of the line no less – in well-tailored clothes, a button up shirt with a pinstriped navy vest over top and dark grey slacks. He looked about ready to go to a board meeting or something, not to be picking up kids from school. 

Derrek smiled back and walked over, noticing as he did that, laying nestled over the man’s shoulder, hands securely supporting, was a baby, maybe a year old, snoozing comfortably.

“Your wife leave you to it, too?” Derrek asked the man, trying to make conversation.

Cracking a brilliant smile, the man only chuckled a bit. “Oh, of a sort. You must be new to this whole routine. I haven’t seen you here before. The name is Percival. You can call me Percy.” The accent threw Derrek at first, but the newly introduced Percy stuck out his free hand and Derrek shook it. 

“Derrek Morgan. I don’t know how my wife, Maria, does it every day and still manages to go to work! Just getting the kids off to school is wild.”

“How many have you got?” There was a level of polite distance in the emotional context of the question, and for a few seconds, Derrek felt daunted by the prospect of speaking more. However, the intently expectant look seemed to indicate that the man genuinely did expect to converse. 

“Two! Sandra and Killian. They’re great but they’re a handful. Sandra is five now and Killian is twelve, going to be thirteen.” 

“Ah!” Percy nodded. “Killian! Yes, my son Freddie is in class with him. Good kid. He was telling me that Killian is trying out for football.” 

It took Derrek a minute to remember that certain places in the world didn't call it soccer; he was far too busy trying to place the man next to him.  “Oh yeah, we’re very excited for him. It’s all he’s been talking about all summer. And we’re talking about starting Sandra on a team too. She loves to kick around the ball with Killian. Do yours do sports yet?”

“Oh yes, their mother is very adamant on that. Vex is quite athletic. I’ve always been a bit more intellectual myself but I have my pastimes too.”

“Like cars I suppose?”

“Oh yes! The Navigator’s main draw is the room, of course.” Percy nodded sincerely. The shrill ring of the school bell came echoing across the yard, diverting Percy’s attention. 

Derrek kept himself from rolling his eyes all the same. Room was nice, but, for as sleek as it was, the SUV still wasn’t sporty enough as far as he was concerned. 

“Needs must, you know.” 

The posh accent sounded naturally arrogant but it didn’t seem like Percy had meant it to be. Suddenly a bit confused, Derrek cocked his head, furrowing his brow. “Wait… ‘needs must’?” He asked just as a slew of kids ran up of varying ages. He thought they would pass them by, or at least that some of them would, but each of them made their way over to the Navigator. Two boys first, one apparently ‘Freddie’, who looked about the age to be in Killian’s class, and another older boy who shared his father's looks - if his father had had dark hair that's was - each calling out, ‘hey dad!’ as they threw their things into the vehicle. Shortly thereafter, two small children, twins with longish, dark, dark hair,not much smaller than Sandra booked it at him, colliding with their father's legs, cries of ‘Papa, papa!’ resounding as they were followed by a slowly strolling teen girl who kissed Percy on the cheek. 

“Hey Dad.” 

“Hi sweetheart. Did you have a good day?” 

“Yep. So did the twins. Miss Vera said they were good. Made you some lovely art.” 

“Ah, well that’s wonderful. Thank you, Maddy.” 

Five. And twins! And wait…the baby too!  _ Six fucking kids, holy shit. _

The younger boy, Freddie, ran back around the car, handing off a notebook to a friend as the other de Rolo kids got into the vehicle and Percy set to putting his baby into the car seat while the older brother and sister managed the small twins. It was all handled with utter speed and efficiency.  Derrek almost didn’t notice when Freddie came back up, smirking at him widely. It was then that he realized he’d let his jaw drop in awe. 

“Yeah, there’s a lot of us. My parents really like to bone,” the kid said. Derrek was too stunned to react to the inappropriate comment at all, much less to scold. 

“Alright, Freddie, lets go! There’s archery club for Maddy and Perce in twenty minutes and I still have to get you to the animal shelter for that volunteer gig. Mum’s going to pick you up on the way back from work while I take Maddy to robotics later.”

“Oh cool! Mom never picks us up!” 

As Freddie sped past, Percy opened the driver door, smiled a sly sort of half smile at Derrek. “Nice meeting you, Derrek,” he said as he got in. Derrek made to respond but Killian was rushing up, Sandra in tow and he looked away for just a moment during which Percy already had the vehicle in drive and was pulling out of the lot. Briefly, he waved, and Derrek waved back, still dumbfounded. 

He got Sandra buckled into the car seat and got into the Lancer, looking at Killian in the passenger seat, silent for a moment. 

“What’s up Dad?” He asked. 

“You know Freddie...Your classmate. Freddie..”

“De Rolo? Freddie de Rolo? Yeah. You were talking to his dad, right? He’s so cool. He came in for bring your parent to work day in fifth grade! He’s a freelance inventor! He stays home all day. I don’t know what their mom does but she’s like, super important or something. She works a lot, I guess.” 

“Huh.” The name sounded vaguely familiar, but Derrek couldn’t place it.  Derrek put the car in drive. Suddenly, two kids didn’t seem like a lot of hassle.


	3. The Customer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to have sad entries, but I was grasping at straws on how to convey their relationship through a third party character. So here you go!
> 
> Vaxlethmore minus the Vax.

When she entered the shop, Lillian was expecting some older person, much like herself. A lovely cover of “All I Do Is Dream Of You” was playing softly in the background, and the lights were low with a soft yellow warmth over the interior of the antique store. Curiously, she bustled about a bit, breathing deeply the comforting must of old things as she picked through the wares. The store was deep and labyrinthine, and the further she delved into its many rooms, the more lovely things she found, but not one banker’s green glass lamp, for which, of course, she’d come looking. Neither had she found anyone else present within, which in itself was surprising. 

“Hello?” She asked softly, almost afraid to disturb the tomb-like silence within. 

There was no response at first, but then, Lillian heard something like soft words coming from another room. Cautiously, she worked her way through another corridor and peered through a half closed door to see a man and a woman, standing together in what appeared to be a storage room. 

No, not standing. Swaying, wrapped in one another’s arms. The man was tall and dark skinned, with long, shining black hair. The woman he held in his arms was of comparable height, though her skin was fair and her hair a fiery bob of red. 

It didn’t take her too long to recognize that they were both crying. 

Appalled and ashamed, Lillian took a step back around the corner, and was making to head back towards the front when the woman spoke, her voice soft, and Lillian couldn’t help but remain, an interloper on the most private of conversations. 

“God, Shaun, I can’t believe he’s still-”

“I know. I’m...eighteen years today. Are you…” A heavy, terribly sigh. “I can’t give up on him, Keyleth. I love him too much.” 

“I don’t want to either, but it’s  _ so _ hard,” she sobbed. “It’s hard to watch him waste away, Shaun. I feel like… I couldn’t go to the hospital today. Am I betraying him? You were  _ just there _ and I’m so ashamed, I don’t want you to be alone in this, I just...I’m  _ so tired _ , and I know that you are too, I just don’t know anymore.” 

She laughed. Lillian cringed at the awful sound. 

“It’s been eighteen years, I should be able to handle this? Right?” 

“Keyleth, darling,” the man said, his rich tones wavering. “It’s never easy. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was in your arms, sobbing over the same thing? We love a man who may never return to us. We’ve loved him for years. We’ve stuck by one another through it all, and by him, and when it gets hard, you’ve always been there to pick me up, and I am always here to do the same for you.” 

A short silence was filled with the soft sound of lips on skin. 

“Should we close the shop? Go see him together?” 

Another silence. But Lillian didn’t wait to hear more. Quietly as she was able, she scooted out of the hall and back to the front rooms and out the door. 

There was always another day. 


	4. The Coma Uncle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally going to wait to post this after having written a bunch of other installments, but I really like it and I'm in the mood for it, so I figured I'd share it. Just know that this takes place /after/ most of the installments. Any that occur before it, I will modify to show up before it in the chapter order. 
> 
> For anyone curious, Percy IV is listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvpJJDpI-9g

He hears before he sees. It’s this gods-awful noise and he can’t even imagine where it’s coming from or who’s playing it, but if it’s Grog’s music, Vax swears to himself that the big man won’t know what hit him because it’s giving Vax the  _ worst fucking headache _ . If it’s Pike - and it very well could be, he supposes - then he’ll just grin and bear it. 

Ever so slowly, Vax cracks open one eye, and then the other. It’s like when Vex begged him to prise open the one jewelry box she’d sealed shut with superglue as a child, but when he finally manages it, the light is so overwhelmingly bright he shuts them again automatically. 

The driving beat of the song, the harsh grinding of electric guitars and the gravely rumble of the singer’s voice sends a pounding thread of pain vibrating through his head. At first, Vax thinks something’s wrong, because he can’t make heads or tails of any of it, words, mangled and gibberish to his foggy brain. After a minute, he starts to put together the melody and harmony lines, separates out the various instruments and comes to realize that it’s not that he can’t understand what they’re saying because something’s wrong, so much as that it’s in another language... _ Zemnian? _

Vex opens his eyes, ready to chew out Grog for waking him up (it’s probably Grog, but damn...Vax can’t even remember falling asleep? And what was he doing before this anyways?), but what he sees is the last thing he expected.

“What the ever loving  _ fuck _ ?” he tries to say, but all that really comes out is a strangled wheeze. Even more confused, and now, more than a little bit frightened, Vax  _ almost _ forgets who he sees sitting beside him in a chair, listening to the ruckus. 

It’s Percy.

Or, well, it’s not.

It  _ looks _ like Percy. A lot. But more like the photograph he’d seen in the old newspaper clipping after his brother-in-law’s story came out to the group. A younger Percy with dark hair. Glasses are still perched on the fine, defined nose and the cheekbones are sharply recognizable, but the frame on the glasses is a different style and the chin is familiar in a way that doesn’t match the slight cleft of Percy’s.

The chin is Vax’s own. The chin is his sister's, too.

The teenager sits before him, head bobbing gently to Zemnian metal, a book on... _ copper rolling? _ in his hand, fully engrossed and paying absolutely no attention to what is happening only a foot away. Vax blinks, shifts his gaze from the strange sight, ignores the sinking in his stomach as he moves his eyes, but not his head and takes in the sterile white surroundings of the room around him. 

_ It’s a dream. It’s just a fucking dream. You got shite-fuck-sauced and you’re dreaming, you’re dreaming Vax’ildan you absolute utter shite- _

“Holy shit! Uncle Vax!” 

The lilting posh accent that is entirely too similar to his sister’s husband’s startles Vax from his thoughts, and confirms the worst of them all at once. It takes him a moment to realize it, but the music ceases and the room grows too quiet for Vax’s liking.

Something is very, very wrong. 

“Oh shit! Just, let me, ah, yes-” The Percy-doppelgänger mutters to himself, reaching down and to the side, while grabbing a slim shiny device from the arm of the chair with his other hand. “Just pressed the call button. I imagine you’re probably fucking freaked - don’t tell Dad I’m swearing, he’ll have my skin - but I’ve just got to call Mum up, alright, and yeah-”

Thickly, Vax swallows, his throat uncomfortably dry. He can feel his eyes growing hot against his will and shuts them tightly. 

“Hey Mum,” he hears the boy say. “You’re never going to guess what’s happened.”

There’s a muttering that’s muted through the speaker of the phone, but Vax doesn’t need to hear to  _ hear _ . 

Vex’ahlia. 

That’s Vex’ahlia. 

His sister. His twin. The other half of his soul. 

“Mum’s coming right over, Uncle Vax,” the boy says. “She’s on her way.” 

_ Do not go far from me _ . 

Vax tries to shift his head. It seems like he succeeds, because the boy -  _ his nephew, he’s got a half grown nephew, fucking gods -  _  puts a hand on his. “It’s real nice to meet you, Uncle Vax. I’m Percival Julius Casper Kashaw de Rolo IV, and I’ve waited a long time to say that to you. And so have the others. But I suppose you’re only concerned about Mum right now. Well, she’s great. She’s the Vice Governor now, you know, under Auntie Cass.” 

As Percy the Fourth prattles on, it’s all that Vax can do to keep himself from crying. But it’s not because of all he’s missed. 

It’s not because he’s sad. 

He lets the doctors poke and prod him after they come in and banish his nephew to a different corner of the room, but all he can think about as they ask him questions and request he move his fingers and wiggle his toes, is how wonderful Vex’ahlia will look as she flies through the doorway, demanding with her very presence that she be given access to her brother immediately. 

It happens just as he imagined it, and the tight, wet, sniffling, sobbing, angry yelling of  _ how FUCKING dare you VAX’ILDAN don’t you EVER FUCKING do that AGAIN or I’ll FUCKING KILL YOU MYSELF,  _ is even better than he imagined. 

And even though the first words he croaks with his whisper-waver voice are only a thin approximation of “Love you too, Stubby,” Vax knows that everything is going to be alright.  Vex’ahlia only holds him all the closer. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isn't it sad that Vax gets to have a pov here, because he's an outsider now? Because he was in a coma. I wasn't going to kill him, I'm not mean and this is au anyways. But I'm still saaaad.

**Author's Note:**

> While I have a whole list of these to write, please do feel free to prompt a situation. Just be sure to include which outsider pov it is from!


End file.
